Hibernation, and getting to know my "Shadow".

I'm always in an out of what I like to call Sugar baby Hibernation.

For years I have been separated with what I should do and what I desire to do. I have kept these two side of me separate the Yin and Yang. I sure as hell don't want to be always struggling and I do enjoy the extra $900- $1500 a week allowance and the lifestyle it provides but It's a mental work of art to bring myself to tongue kiss, have sex with and be with a corpse.

I don't know about you but I could only fake it for so long, then it ends. I play the blame game because honestly who wants to be the Bad Guy? But in all reality, I am always relieved when it ends. I gather all my bank statements , open my closet, check off my progress on my checklist and call it a good run. This happens to me when the summer approaches, c'mon what 25yr old doesn't want a hot young, muscular body groping them and telling me how great our life could be together. Then , I'm kicking myself when he ask me to borrow $200 bucks or go dutch on the bill. This seems like a pattern to me , I throw my friend for a loop, one minute I'm dating the Real estate executive with a serious Napoleon complex who is flying me all over the states, then I'm giving the fine ass 6'7 but struggling single dad a chance.

I thought I was going crazy for a while, Ladies, it felt like I was fighting a battle with myself, stressed for reasons I could not explain. Then I started reading up on it, and I found out about a psychological/ spiritual term call the "SHADOW".

I know, I know it sound CRAZAAY!!
but I related so well that I just had to share it with you.

The Shadow
The Shadow, It is everything in us that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are dark rejected aspects of our being as well as light, so there is positive undeveloped potential in the Shadow that we don’t know about because it's in our unconscious.

The Shadow is an archetype,which means that it is typical in consciousness for everyone. We all have a Shadow and a confrontation with the Shadow is essential for self awareness. We cannot learn about ourselves if we do not learn about our Shadow.

How many times have you said something and then said, “I didn’t mean it that way.” . Well we did mean it that way, our Shadow decided it just to be said or done. The Shadow side of us relates to life much more authentically and it will come out whether we like it or not.

Repressing or denying our Shadow can lead us into experiences where we are overwhelmed by it and it can take us over. Then we can end up with egg on our face, acting in the very way we have denied or condemned in others and saying to ourselves, “Why did I act like that? I am not like that.” Well when we say it like that — “I’m not like that,” — we are like that, we just don’t know it.

There are many hidden and undeveloped parts in all of us and in attempting to keep our self-image intact, we will completely deny their existence. We do this because we want to be accepted by our society, by our families and our peers. Our baser qualities — our hypocritical behavior, our excessive greed, our ruthlessness, our ability to be manipulative — go straight into the unconscious. But that doesn’t mean they are not active in our life, they just live in the unconscious (unsupervised), and periodically they burst forth into our awareness and propel us into situations that we would much rather avoid.

I'm all about personal growth and this is a lot for me to take it but it's necessary..

Projection and Denial
Projection is an unconscious psychological mechanism. We all project onto other people parts of ourselves that we disown, that we deny. We will usually not identify with the projected quality or characteristic at all. It’s them. It’s not us.

We will feel highly uncomfortable when we are around someone that is carrying a part of our Shadow. As I said before, and it bears repeating, there will often be a repulsive element to it. We will be repulsed by that person and whatever they stand for. It will feel like whoever they are is totally against our principles, moral values and ideals and we will be highly critical of their actions or way of being in the world.

So notice. Notice who comes into your life that irritates you or pushes your buttons. It’s usually something that is so unconscious within yourself, that it’s impossible to see that it’s about yourself. If it indeed is a part of your own Shadow, in time you are going to see how it’s going to start repeating in patterns.

Whatever we deem too negative to express, whatever goes against our highest ideals will be conveniently projected out into the world. Our energy is like a magnet and the unconscious is profound. It will draw to itself, itself over and over again. And generally the person receiving the projection is what analysts call ‘a good hook’ for the projection. They will be acting out that quality or characteristic themselves and usually they will be doing it to an extreme so it is easy to see that it is them doing it. But as the 12-steppers say, “if you spot it, you got it.”

Taking Responsibility for Our Lives
The first thing we have to do in order to begin to see our Shadow sides, is to take 100% responsibility for our lives. This is a very difficult thing to do and no one does this overnight so we have to be patient with ourselves.

Being in the human experience, we have all had many painful, difficult experiences where it clearly looks like it is the other persons fault, or bad luck in life or whatever else we want to call it. So taking total responsibility for what appears to come to us is not an easy task but it is well worth the effort because when we take responsibility for what happens to us, we can then learn and grow from our experiences and make new choices for ourselves.

Changing our attitude from blame to responsibility will change what happens next in our world. It will end the pattern and put us in control. Our destiny is of our own making “As above, so below, as within, so without, so that the miracle of the one can be established.” What this is saying is that what is within us, will also show on the outside of us. Inner states of consciousness will be reflected in outer situations time and time again. If we are willing to look at the significance of these repeating patterns, we will see the synchronicity of events and situations and ultimately once integrated the miracle of the one is established, as we become one with ourselves.

Choices Versus Denial
So the more we know about ourselves, the more choices we have. We can then choose not to behave in a certain way. When we don’t know about something, then it will take on a compulsive, autonomous element to it.

These are the embarrassing moments that all of us in the metaphysical or Christian movement can attest to when we say or do something which is the opposite of what we intended to do or say. We embarrass ourselves and can feel really bad about ourselves because we are not living up to our ideals. Ideals are important and certainly have their place in our world, but not at our expense. Not when it’s not the truth about how we really feel or who we really are.

So learning about our Shadows can bring us the real peace Jesus talks about when he says “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is
embodied in the individual’s conscious life,
the blacker and denser it is.
At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag,
thwarting our most well-meant intentions.
— Dr. Carl G. Jung

We have to be willing to see the part we play in attracting certain relationship issues into our lives. We can’t change anything we don’t know about. And we certainly can’t change other people so we must be aware of our total Self, the dark and the light, and then at the same time make choices about our own behavior.


This a Life-long Process
No one does this overnight. Shadow work is a life-long retrieval process and it takes years of patient inner dialogue with oneself to understand and even admit to ourselves that Shadow work is even realistic and necessary. It’s not easy to do and takes time and energy. Not always, but most often it begins at midlife when we become determined to see the truth about ourselves after a series of painful relationships. As the Greeks inscribed at the temple of Delphi “Know thyself” and “Nothing in excess.” Two very wise statements.

It is impossible to truly learn about our whole Self and grow into more conscious human beings without this kind of internal self-honesty and as Robert Johnson says in the book Owning Your Own Shadow, it takes a great deal of courage.

I'm learning, and developing the courage to comfort my shadow. Next month will be my first time in Asia and I still owe the balance on my trip, and have a whole list of preparations and items to buy, so believe I will be on my grind, Sugar daddy and all but getting to know myself better is on the top of my list, next to the NYC condo and porcelain veneers. :o)

I'm not Ms. Perfect and I'm aware or these imperfections.
I need to get to know these imperfects so we can start working together and not again ts each other like we have been.

I don't know how hard this will be but as usual I'll keep you posted.